The Adventures of K'tanya Ravenwing etc, etc, etc
by RaeC
Summary: SLASH: BadFic. Written for the MarySue challenge. This is supposed to be bad and yes, I know it's warped.*veg* Extra points for finding all the fandom/tv/movie references.


Notes: Okay, here it is; my contribution to the MarySue Challenge. I do hope you enjoy it. My thanks to the folks on mIRC whom I traumatized in the making of this piece. I hope you recover soon. All references to hobbits, elves, and kings are purposeful. Arbitrary notes left throughout the fic courtesy of the muses whom just became so traumatized themselves they couldn't complete the scenes. Hope it's not a bother. Oh....and not edited so there might be POV shifts (on purpose) and spelling errors (again, on purpose). This is BadFic after all.  
  
MarySue generated the following details:  
  
name: K'tanya Ravenwing  
eyes: smokey Jade  
hair: glossy raven  
scent: passionate musk  
power: sees dead people  
skill: computer hacker  
mark: Esoteric Tattoo  
relationship: Sirius Black's Distant Cousin  
  
The Adventures of K'tanya Ravenwing and the Amazing Sit and Spin...  
by RaeC.  
  
It was a bright and shiny day (not a dark and stormy night although for dramatic effect, we can add that in later) when K'tanya Ravenwing (otherwise known as our intrepid writer) first made her appearance at Hogwarts. The slight, lithe girl (do you get the idea this chick is thin yet?) strode into the Great Hall her glossy raven locks spilling down her back (think waterfall) and made her way to the teacher's dais.  
  
"Ah, K'tanya! You made it." Albus greeted the new arrival with a twinkle in his cerulean orbs (where else would you find the famous 'twinkle'? No...don't answer that. Forget I even asked.). "Students! May I have your attention please? I'd like to introduce our Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor, Ms. Ravenwing. I know you will all make her feel most welcome." (Really, I'd give her another job, but we all know that Hogwarts can't hold onto a DADA professor to save their souls.)  
  
K'tanya swirled around (dramatically) and bowed to each table in turn (because it's polite), her black robes flaring (standard professor issue, one size doesn't fit all as advertised so the poor girl had slit it up the sides) to reveal a blood red under-robe (I really wanted to put her in crinoline, but that's so Gone with the Wind and Vamperella's of Hollywood was having a sale). My smokey jade eyes blazed in recognition (well of course she's going to recognize the boy on sight; *I'm* the heroine) as her eyes lit upon young Harry Potter (as opposed to old Harry Potter or middle aged Harry Potter) which she swiftly hid before anyone noticed the slip (quick, someone find the safety pins).   
  
K'tanya was yet another 'first' (oh! Oh! Oh! First times, first times! I do so love first times!) among the Hogwarts faculty; she was the youngest woman (to be surrealistic, the youngest person ever) to claim the infamous DADA position at eighteen. She held what amounted to a PhD in the Magical World in Defensive Dark Magic and had two years under her belt (robe) as a Ministry Hit Wizard and Untouchable. (Anyone else look for Sean Connery when you see that name?) And as Sirius Black's (Raven - Black - gee we are so original) relation, his distant cousin by way of his Grandmother's Father's Sister's Son's Cousin's daughter...on his mother's side...K'tanya also immediately claimed the vaulted (personally, I prefer the mats or the parallel bars) position of protagonist to Severus Snape's antagonist. (Honestly, she can't shag Harry, now can she? That's for Lucius to do.)  
  
Snagging the open seat next to Severus, K'tanya plopped into the chair and began to eat.   
  
"Still as gracefully as your mutt of a cousin, I see." Snape displayed his infamous evil smirk (patent pending UK, US, all others please check with the appropriate authorities before use), which caused several first years to burst into tears and start wailing for their mothers (we won't mention the mess the poor elves had to clean up *under* the table).   
  
"Still as pompous, snide, and rude as ever, I see." K'tanya smirked sweetly back.   
  
"Can't you go back to that rock you crawled out from under?" (There was a rock. A pretty little rock. The prettiest rock. That you ever did see.)  
  
"Nope." K'tanya grinned.  
  
"Why ever not?"   
  
"Against the Secret Snake (you know...like Secret Squirrel) Code of Conduct when dealing with Royal Pains in the Arse," I said my perky, but endearing way.  
  
Severus sneered (sneer # 42 only to be used when in the presence of a Black). "I suppose you even have a handshake."  
  
K'tanya laughed, delighted that Sev's sense of humour hadn't dimmed with the passing years. "No, just a tattoo." She rolled up her sleeve to show off her magikal snakehead tattoo (is there any other kind?). "I wanted to get a nice black skull to go with it, but Daddy just wouldn't let me." K'tanya pouted as she fixed her sleeve and glanced at Snape from the corner of her eye. "Oh! I hear you have one too. Can I see?"  
  
Severus choked on his tea (Harry! Clean up in aisle three. Harry!). "No, you most certainly may not."  
  
K'tanya pouted (so adorable when she pouts, isn't she? You could just hug her and love her and keep her forever!) as Snape rose and left the Hall in a flurry of black (cue theme from Batman). K'tanya pretended innocence (most handy spell for installing halos above head, headmaster must learn) as I looked toward the Headmaster and Minerva. "Was it something I said?"  
  
---  
  
I joined Dumblydore in his office after the feast to cover her duties for the year. The extremely beautiful (gorgeous, stunning, ethereal, you get the picture) DADA professor sat across from the Headmaster, a serene smile on her face.   
  
"Tea?" (That ever so annoying twinkle back in his eye. You just know 'bad things' are about to happen.)  
  
"Oh, no thank you." (Never take candy from strangers or tea from twinkling Headmasters. Didn't your mother ever teach you anything!?)  
  
"Well, Ms. Ravenwing, we have a predicament we do. (Speak Engrish, Man!) Sirius has been in touch with you I believe?" Albus leaned back in his chair, patting the crumbs from dinner from his beard (it was treacle fudge something, or so I'm told) and his t-shirt that Severus had given him last Christmas (Pervy House-elf Fancier).  
  
"Yes, ever since he escaped Azkaban."  
  
"You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?" The Headmaster watched the halo form over K'tanya's head again and swore he really did need to learn that spell.  
  
"Me, Headmaster? No. I would never break the law." I giggled (such a girlish laugh. Completely adorable and caused massive drooling by the male of the species when in close proximity). "Sirius escaped all on his own." Although watching the Dementors run from her Patronus had been extremely funny.  
  
"Ahem. Yes. On to your duties. There are the normal classes, but I'd like you to keep a special eye on one student."  
  
"Harry Potter." The-Boy-Who-Lived. (a.k.a. Moldiewarts-Can't-Catch-A-Clue-And-Harry-Bloody-Potter-Will-Never-Die)  
  
"Yes, Harry. Poor child. Tragic, just tragic home life. Was abused. Lived under the stairs. (Upstairs, Downstairs, Under the floor. Hmm...wonder if he was friends with Peagreen Clock?) The scar he carries on his head is from Voldemort."   
  
"Ah...his link to old Moldie, I take it."  
  
"The same."  
  
"I'll do my best to keep him out of trouble, Headmaster."  
  
Dumblydore smiled serenely and sat back in his chair satisfied that his new DADA teacher would handle everything.   
  
---  
  
"Watch the boy, he says." K'tanya muttered to herself. "Needs someone to protect him, he says." Looks more like he needs a good bath...ah well, his playmate did seem to have that part covered (get your minds out of the gutter! *gasp* I'm shocked at you. He's only fifteen after all!). The animal was leading Harry toward the lake.   
  
K'tanya watched as Harry romped around the edge of the Lake (where a watery tart waited to lob a scimitar straight into his hand, er, paw) in his panther animagus form with the other great cat. They were both beautiful animals, Harry's dark coat against the bright white of the tiger. Too bad that they both stuck out like a sore thumbs (now all they needed was leather pants and their ensemble would be complete!).  
  
[Have tearful scene with K'tanya and Harry bonding over deplorable childhood. Snake must crawl by and K'tanya has a chat with it. Harry shocked and amazed. And have to add in very bad line about if I was straight, I'd love you. Oooh...and end scene with Moaning Myrtle asking about Harry, gushing over his cuteness. Add deplorable line about such a perfectly good waste of a white boy.]  
  
---  
  
K'tanya followed Harry to Divination (since obviously she didn't have anything better to do that afternoon...oh, like, teach) and walked into Sybil's classroom nearly fainting from the fumes of the incense. "Merlin Sybil, how can you breathe in here?" K'tanya waved a hand in front of my face as I walked over to a window and threw it open.  
  
"It helps with the inner eye as you would know if you studied Divination, Professor Ravenwing."  
  
K'tanya snorted and murmured softly so that only Harry and Ron could hear. "More likely she wants to put everyone to sleep so they don't notice she's missing her outer eye too."  
  
"If you wouldn't mind closing the window, Professor, I could begin my class."  
  
"Oh, I don't mind it open. Harry, Ron, do you?"  
  
"No! No! It's fine. Our inner eyes are very clear." Harry and Ron nodded enthusiastically in agreement. (Not to mention that the passionate musky scent coming from their professor was highly preferable to the cloying dung that Professor Trelawney burnt in the room.)  
  
"Well dears, if you think so." Sybil waved her hand and tarot cards appeared on all the tables. "Today we're going to do a reading."  
  
Harry leaned over to Ron and whispered, "Wonder how I'm going to die today."  
  
Ron put a hand to his forehead as K'tanya snickered in the background. "I predict that you are going to..."  
  
I leaned over to whisper in their ears, "Have you used death by sheer boredom yet?"  
  
Both young men giggled as K'tanya continued to offer death scenes as Harry shuffled the deck.  
  
Sybil wandered around the room offering advice on what the cards predicted. "Oh my, oh my. Ms. Patil, do watch out next week."  
  
"What? What?" The young girl asked nervously.  
  
K'tanya looked up from Harry's rather disturbing cards and cocked her head to the side as if she was listening to someone. Sybil just tsked and moved on, however K'tanya couldn't help but add, "If you don't concentrate more on *studying* and less on how attractive Mr. Finnegan is, you're going to fail your test next week. Absolutely nothing *remarkable* about that prediction."  
  
As Sybil went around the room, K'tanya continued offering alternate, normal everyday events that would explain the Professor's predictions. Finally flustered, Sybil stood in front of Harry's table and gasped at the cards. "Heavens! Harry!"  
  
"Oh boy, here we go again." I muttered.  
  
"Actually they say that Harry's going to be King, marry (or something) someone very pretty and vanquish a formidable foe. He's not going to die until he's at least a hundred and fifty. Oh and," K'tanya turned slightly to look at the wall. "Lily is it?" K'tanya nodded and looked back at Sybil. "Lily requests that I call you an old bat and instruct you to back the hell off. Harry, your mother says you have wasted enough time in this silly class and have learned all you need to know about Divination. Please find something else to do with your time. Your father said to see Professor Snape after class. He's sure that Severus could find something more constructive to do with your time."  
  
Harry groaned and put his head on the table. K'tanya smiled as she rose. Really, Dumbledore could do so much better than this Three Faces of Eve reject. She stalked to the door preparing to leave when Harry's voice stopped me. "Hey! How do you know my parents?"  
  
K'tanya snickered as the temperature in the classroom dropped well below normal and the student's breath ghosted in the air. "Why, I see dead people of course." With that, I dropped from the room.  
  
---  
  
It was a dark and stormy night (see, I told ya I'd use it for dramatic effect later on), the night that Harry disappeared. Two deplorably dressed minions snuck their way inside the impenetrable fortress that is Hogwarts and stole away with Boy Wonder. (It was K'tanya's day off.)   
  
K'tanya broke her trusty IMac and hooked it up to her wireless cell phone that she was never without (yes, even in the Wizarding World, one mustn't be without a cell). She hacked into the Ministry's computers using her old Hit Wizard password (they forgot to change it) to find the unplotable land records. Through the link she had formed with Harry during their lake conversation, K'tanya knew just where he would be taken...Riddle Mansion (Tom, Tom, the Riddle's son, stole away and he did run!).  
  
As K'tanya was looking for the mansion, Harry, in his best leather pants of course, was being thrown at the feet of the most beautiful man he'd ever met...Lucius Malfoy.  
  
[Must add in nauseous Lucius Worshipping. Beautiful, silky blonde hair worth its weight in platinum, cornflower blue eyes, skin so pale it could rival freshly fallen snow...]  
  
"I'm sorry, Luci, but I just couldn't keep 'Cis around anymore. She was doing her 'I'm the prettiest in the land' imitation again. So annoying." (Well, we obviously can't have stupid female characters in the way of glorious slash, now can we?)  
  
"Yes, my Lord."  
  
Meanwhile, K'tanya snuck in with Severus, and Albus. The wards were simple and easy to get around (for someone of K'tanya's abilities, because hey! Albus can't do it). No one would ever guess they were at the Riddle Mansion.  
  
Through her magic link with Harry, K'tanya heard the boy desperately plead for her help.  
  
"K'tanya! K'tanya, where are you?" (Really, Old Moldie was getting carried away with the 'I am pretty, oh so pretty'. See http://diaries.diagon.org/ for more details.)  
  
"Hold your horses, I'm coming." The woman with the glossy raven locks strode into the throne room her battle robes pulled tight against her full breasts as if she owned the place.  
  
"Well it's about bloody time. He was going to Avada Kedavra me!"   
  
"I demand that you leave here at once! Lucius, throw these, these interlopers out! It's Tom Time and I will not have them here!"  
  
"Yes, my lord."  
  
"Oh stuff it, Wormface." With a wave of her hand K'tanya tossed Moldiewarts across the room into his faithful and still bowing servant. "Death so doesn't become you."  
  
[More going on and on about how pretty Lucius is and that he's just misunderstood and Harry needs to look at him with stars in his eyes. K'tanya remembers the card reading and with Dumblydore's assistance decides to get the two star crossed lovers together.]  
  
"Do you Harry take Lucius as your husband, lover, bonded, whatever?"  
  
"Well, he is the prettiest."  
  
"And do you Lucius take Harry as your...well...husband, lover, bonded, whatever?"  
  
"I most certainly do..." Albus hit Lucius with a silencing spell at the crucial moment. All nice and legal.   
  
"I now pronounce you, er, bonded...or" K'tanya waved her hand in the air. "whatever. Finally! Someone is King."  
  
"That's my throne! My Throne!" Moldiewarts pouted from the corner where K'tanya had unceremoniously left him.   
  
"In the illustrious words of my ancestors, Sit!" K'tanya dropped His Royal Pain In The Ass onto some sort of shiny, plastic device (which brought an immediate smile to He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named-Because-Everyone's-Forgotten-It's face). "And spin."   
  
(Author digs around for Ren and Stimpy record...ah, there it is...)  
  
And they all lived happy, happy, joy, joy ever after.  
  
Note: Moldie was just, er, frustrated...all he ever really needed was a good shag. Hmm...I wonder what he thinks of muggle washing machines...  
  
"Say, do you think he would enjoy the spin cycle?"  
  
-The End- 


End file.
